Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinn
theshoelace, allow me to congratulate you on your story. It seems clear to me that your storytelling and characterisation has been improving as the plot has progressed, so pat yourself on the back for that.
Additionally, you have my admiration for tackling your chosen subject matter in the way you have. Given the great thematic distance between the content of Zelda and the BE based plot you're running, your interpretation of the different cannonical characters and their reactions to events is definitely more accurate than what I am capable of imagining.
I would like to make one suggestion about style, however: Try and avoid using the same description of something too often. It can seem repetitive, and worse, can sometimes make it hard to differentiate between climaxes of high tension and moments of calm, since the same style and pacing of language is used in each. I like your writing, but on the other hand, I've lost counts of the number of times you've mentioned the bouncing of Midna's breasts. I don't doubt it would be hard to ignore, but I wouldn't mind hearing about some other noticeable effect of her condition - how hard it is for her to sit up, for instance, or unexpected difficulties with her shadow magic.
Hmm... I got a bit carried away with my criticism, there. My apologies.
Your craftsmanship is careful and visibly improving, and my hat is off to you.
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Thank you for your critique. It is most useful
. One thing though; some people like the repetetive stuff. It keeps the focus on something. But I'll try to make it less repetitive.
NABOORU PIECE!
'' Nabooru woke up as tiny rays of light came around the corner of her room and through her window. Her mind and body were very much refreshed- mostly, she had to add after an observation. Breathing in was a tad bit painful, as though something had been pushing on her chest all night. She slowly sat up ( it was harder than usual ) and looked down in her cleavage. ?Hm!? she said. As expected, her breasts were much larger than before. Twice to thrice their original size, she noted.
She looked in the corner of the room. Brand new, large bras lay there. She smiled. One of them fit perfectly, and so she put it on. She felt her hips. ?Hm!? she exclaimed once more. They were broader and rounder- and so were her buttocks. ? A form... that represents feminity...? she repeated to herself from the ancient scroll. She put on her pants ( that fit tightly ) and went out of her room to tell the second-in-command she was going back to the Spirit Temple to discuss the events with the Godesses.
?Guard,? she said to the Gerudo waiting outside the room, ?could you bring the second-in-command here?? The guard bowed ( like before ) and walked around the corner with surprising speed. In two minutes she came back with the second-in-command. ?Great Nabooru, where do you need me for?? she asked. ?It?s time for me to go back to the Spirit Temple,? Nabooru answered ignoring glimpses at her bust. ?There are questions that need answering.? The second-in-command nodded and bowed.
?It was an honour to have you here, oh Great Nabooru. We hope you will once visit us again,? the second in command said. Nabooru smiled. ?Thank you!? she said as she walked away and said farewell to the Gerudo. She headed for the open gate that headed back to the Haunted Wasteland. She passed this treacherous desert with ease; for she was a Sage. Soon she came upon the ancient Desert Colossus. There was quite some irritating sand in her cleavage, she noticed.
To her left, there was a small body of water. She took a quick bath there ( making her bra wet which made it feel somewhat tighter ) and finally headed for the dark entrance to the Spirit Temple. Entering it, she saw the broad stairway of stone. She sat down upon it, and wondered how she could contact the Godesses. She started to wonder if it had been necessary to come there at all. ?Godesses... Din, Nayru and Farore... if that which is happening is your will, give me a sign...? she spoke. Her voice echoed through the empty Spirit Temple.
All that followed was silence and for the first time in a long time Nabooru felt lonely. ?Godesses, perhaps it is my task to be patient, but changes... physical changes are occuring that do not halt a single moment. Please answer: is this your will or not?? she called out, the echoes sounding loudly for several seconds. Suddenly, beside her, a torch was lit. For a fraction of a second she thought she could see a dark figure in it?s light. ?Is this a sign...?? she asked herself. The torch shone mysteriously.
Suddenly, a strange voice which she did not recognise spoke. ?Venture deeper into the Spirit Temple to find an answer...? it said. Nabooru hesitated; the voice was that of a male, so she doubted whether or not it was voice controlled by the Godesses. But her curiosity and desire to find answers overpowered her doubts, and she headed for the right-hand entrance deeper inside the Temple. So, she came to a room with three door. ?Which door should I take now...?? she wondered.''