That was an excellent story. I really hope you have some sort of career as a writer of some kind because you obviously have the talent to make it as a full featured writer. The stories universe was very well constructed, and very interesting. The way you have it constructed it fits right in with the whole gritty dark violent fantasy/scifi fiction that's so popular right now and if you remove the TG elements I could easily see this story being sold in book form it was very well done. If you created the whole universe yourself with little or no inspiration from anything else...wow...Very well done. It's always nice to read a TG fiction with plot, but you took that to another level. An interesting back story and a phenomenal transformation scene that was extremely slow and vividly done? Can't ask for anything more. Its too bad that the vast majority of readers of this type of fiction will likely not appreciate reading through such a long story to get to the "money material". They have no idea what in the end they will be missing.
My only problems with the story you created was that I wish Robin's power wasn't so high to start with. Would have been more interesting to see it grow over time especially if you make a set of sequels going in to the future. However, that's more a problem of what I would like to see rather then any sort of problem with your storytelling technique so I would say just disregard that :P. My other problem was that the other Hunters motivations weren't gone into. I know that may have bogged down the narrative but knowing why the others and not just Sven was hunting them so strongly would have been interesting. It also would have been interesting to learn more about the bureaucracy of that organization. Maybe a sequel from their perspective with one of them infected and trying to hide it or escape could be interesting?
The only other weak point for me was the sex scene at the end. It was very well written and very well done and I know that it was supposed to in the end be a bit of erotica however, the rest of the story was so well done as a SciFi/Fantasy style novel that it just felt out of place. I honestly forgot that I was reading a story downloaded from this site and thought I was just reading a professional novel.
If the motivation strikes you I would definitely try to rework the story and submit it to major book publishers. I think the quality was definitely there. All in all SUPERB story and I eagerly await a sequel within this universe (PLEASE do sequels in this universe) or anything else you write. Once again considering your level of improvement with each story thus far I expect the next one to be mind bogglingly good. You're setting the bar higher and higher with each story you write. Excellent story thanks so much for sharing it.
Oh and P.S. if you could upload the story in PDF format so I have an easier time converting it to something else it would be most appreciated. Thanks
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Originally Posted by Reif
The discerning observer might also note that our two heroines might not be as alone as they think. 2nd virtual cookie to whoever puzzles that out.
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I assume that the person that was telling Bruce not to kill the Hunter brutally was one of the "Goddess" super high class witches you talked about earlier in the story? Whats my prize >.>?