I definitely like the prose better than the "script" style. Your grammar in that prose excerpt seems fine to me -- there are just a few punctuation issues. For example, here's where I'd add/change punctuation in the first three lines:
Quote:
Valentina heard the office door creak open. She looked up to see a familiar face smiling at her.
"Hi, Vallie, I've missed you sooo much."
Valentina stood stunned for a moment as Tiffi, her bimbofied assistant, rushed across the office and hugged her.
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That said -- have you thought about using comic-book-style dialogue balloons rather than writing the text in the captions?