Quote:
Originally Posted by bacattack
|
This is actually really good. I've never actually read it before, so this was new to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Terry19d
Not a bad beginning, and I don't mean that to sound patronizing. I do like the way you had the main character find out about Danielle's condition, by picking up on her avoidance behavior and finally confronting her with it in a tactful manner. Personally, I don't mind that you kind of glossed over her origin; we've heard all kinds by now, and it doesn't feel necessary to go into much depth. Feels more realistic that way, to me at least, for her to be reticent at going into detail over something so personal.
I don't know how writing.com handles formatting, as one of the issues I had with reading the story was picking out where the next paragraph began in some sections, as there was no spacing or indents between paragraphs in the main body of the story, after the first few lines. Also, I did see one paragraph that had both characters speaking in the same one, and it's best to avoid that, which I believe you did in the rest of the story. But as far as story/character development, I'm interested in where you are taking this.  |
Thank you for the feedback. Writing.com is bad at telling you what your actual writing looks like when you are editing, so I'll keep that in mind when I write part 2.
On another note, I partially made this because I don't have $100 to spend on a custom video that may or may not wind up okay. Plus, I felt like writing a story. Killing two birds with one stone, I guess.