A Moment Forever (TG, AP) (Complete)

[wandering_spirit]

In my poll thread about the Ultimate Fantasy TG girl, I found myself overwhelmed by all the different ideas I received. So, to them, I give a story based off my approach.

In this case, the TG and AP process are seperate. The TG part might not be the most elaborate, but I tried to make the 'change' as quickly as possible. Mind you, I wrote this yesterday, while I was on downtime at work. Not only did it keep me busy, I ended up putting a lot of myself in this fic. I hope you all enjoy.

[Tinn]

This story of yours is pretty good. In particular, the emotion of the narrator and Karyn is well portrayed.
As for the section with the TG... well, I'm in two minds. Either the brutal, mindless rage of her father against someone he's never before seen is an unrealistic and inexplicable plothole, or its an attempt to portray a true beast, devoid of reason or pity.
Either way, this story's pretty decently written. Well done.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, I like the use of an immortal wizard-like protagonist. It's hard to pull off well and rarely done, but I reckon you manage it.

[wandering_spirit]

Originally Posted by Tinn

This story of yours is pretty good. In particular, the emotion of the narrator and Karyn is well portrayed.
As for the section with the TG... well, I'm in two minds. Either the brutal, mindless rage of her father against someone he's never before seen is an unrealistic and inexplicable plothole, or its an attempt to portray a true beast, devoid of reason or pity.
Either way, this story's pretty decently written. Well done.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, I like the use of an immortal wizard-like protagonist. It's hard to pull off well and rarely done, but I reckon you manage it.

I know the 'bad father' is a bit of a problem, but I wanted to portray the reason for Karyn's suffering in some way. In a way, I went more for the latter: a broken man who passes his frustration and anger for his wasted life on his girl.

[Dragon]

I would deem it excellent. There's some wording issues that you'll want to clear up on any subsequent revisions, but it didn't really detract from the story. I am a little put off by the 'bad father' bit, as well. Seems a little too over-the-top from both his standpoint and the narrator's. I would like it if Yurix's reaction were a little more constrained since you don't live for thousands of years without learning patience. Still the anger is fine, just a little less. The TG and AP are just the right length, but the new story given to "Nikki" is a bit cliched any more. So you're a woman-hater? Well, I'll just turn you into a hooker.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed the story. Well done.

[wandering_spirit]

Originally Posted by Dragon

I would deem it excellent. There's some wording issues that you'll want to clear up on any subsequent revisions, but it didn't really detract from the story. I am a little put off by the 'bad father' bit, as well. Seems a little too over-the-top from both his standpoint and the narrator's. I would like it if Yurix's reaction were a little more constrained since you don't live for thousands of years without learning patience. Still the anger is fine, just a little less. The TG and AP are just the right length, but the new story given to "Nikki" is a bit cliched any more. So you're a woman-hater? Well, I'll just turn you into a hooker.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed the story. Well done.

Yeah, I figured that. Must've read too many TG fics.

As for Yurix' patience... well... considering that one of my first role-play 'names', I put myself in my own shoes. If I had the power to set things right, even if it was... retribution, in lack of better words... I might've went for something like it.

Still... what would be a good way to break the 'clich?s'?

[frice2000]

Very nice story all in all. Loved the punishment that you gave to Karyn's father. I didn't really like the accelerated aging of the girl at the end though...didn't feel right should have had a chance at a better childhood. Other then that was quite good and I hope to read more from you in the future.

[Tinn]

Originally Posted by wandering_spirit

Still... what would be a good way to break the 'clich?s'?

Ooh, that's a hard one.

Clich?s aren't bad in and of themselves. They're actually really useful to authors, since they build audience expectations, which can then be more easily fulfilled or subverted. Plus, going too far outside of clich? can leave an audience feeling confused, or worse, feeling that each event in the story came out of nowhere as a deus ex machina.

On the other hand, the problem with overusing clich? is that the audience feels they're seeing nothing new.
That's what Dragon found with your story, I believe. The idea of using forced prostitution as a punishment for abusing women has been done a lot, so there has to be something added to the mix that fits just as well as the clich?, but is nonetheless interesting to the reader.

Every writer is an individual, of course, so there's no one-size-fits all approach, but I'd reccomend finding another way of playing with the reader's expectations than fulfilling them.
In your story, for instance, you could could even use the same clich? as before - but written from a different perspective that makes the reader react to it with interest and emotion, rather than thinking 'Oh, another postitute vengence transformation.'

[wandering_spirit]

I'll keep that in mind.

Now, I just need to find some ideas to work on. I don't mean requests, but more like suggestions. I've got a bit of a dry spell, right now.

BTW, I think you're right about that part. Thing is, I normally wouldn't hurt anyone unless provoked, and when I do hurt someone, it ends up on my conscience for a while. However, when I end up angry, which rarely happens, I can end up hurting anyone. Most of the time, sadness or irritation happens rather than anger.

[Dragon]

@Tinn: Well said.

I think the way around it is to not say, "At night, you'll turn into a total prostitute." Then you can say, "During the day, you'll care for anyone and everyone, and at night you will continue to do so in a different fashion. After the sun goes down you will feel an insatiable lust growing within you..." Etc.

Putting yourself into a story is a good way to put real emotion and depth into your characters. The point here is that you do it even when you're not in it yourself. Your characters should all carry a piece of yourself.

[wandering_spirit]

Originally Posted by Dragon

Putting yourself into a story is a good way to put real emotion and depth into your characters. The point here is that you do it even when you're not in it yourself. Your characters should all carry a piece of yourself.

I've done enough role-play online to know that much. I also created a lot of characters. That character, Karyn, is one of my recurring ones. As for Yurix, no matter how many times I role-play him, I never get to figure what he's supposed to look like, since the games barely last.

[Nihtgenga]

Damn, that was bloody good.

[Reif]

My opinion, take it for what you will...

I thought that your story was on the whole quite good, BUT I do agree that some stock elements crept in there. Almost no realistic character is ever wholly good, or wholly evil. While you did a decent job on the wizard's motivation I do have to admit that at its core you've pitted a saint against a monster without allowing much three dimensional space for said "monster." That isn't necessarily bad in a story of this length but becareful with the use of cliches like that. Tinn is right that touching on an established archetype can help an audience and act as a characterization short cut, but if your goal is to improve the quality of your writing then I would work to avoid shortcuts. I suppose the real question becomes your own motivation, are you here to churn out TG stories, or are you here to make people think?

I aim for the latter, what you do is up to you.