The Succubus' Vows - Part 3 (Complete)

[Reif]

7/31/2010 Version 1.1 update

I have gone back and done some typo and grammar corrections. I won't claim its perfect but the latter third needed another proof reading pass and I'm happier about it now. Also clarified a few things. Some new content based on suggestions has been added in chapters 14 & 15. Also per request the full unabridged text of The Succubus Bride containing all three parts has been added as a PDF. Enjoy.

---------------

Well...I said March...I apologize BUT...here it is.

The extra time it took to write was a function of me going wild in a good way. There is not one, or two, or even three TF scenes, but FOUR. I eagerly await to see what people think now that the story arc has reached its conclusion.

To my patient fans...THANK YOU. I GIVE YOU THE SUCCUBUS' VOWS.

The Succubus' Vows picks up immediately after the events of the second story and concludes the The Succubus' Bride Trilogy.

As before, for those willing to invest a little time a detailed character driven piece of TG fiction awaits. For those new to the series I strongly recommend reading Part 1 and 2 first. As before italics are reserved for emphasis or song lyrics, parentheses denote sounds.

EDIT: Added links to parts 1 and 2.

EDIT: Decided that some of the key references may be a touch obscure. Examples as follows for those not familiar with where they come from.
The Jaws reference:
The M-920 Reference:

I welcome any feedback or comments either here or at reif4337@hotmail.com.

-----
If there is enough interest I may package all three stories into a full length feature and commission an artist to make some art for it. If you are an artist that might be interested in this I would would like to hear from you.

[MeMyselfI]

!

[frice2000]

First off let me say READ THIS GUYS STORIES PEOPLE AND LEAVE HIM A REVIEW THE AMOUNT OF TIME OBVIOUSLY DEDICATED HERE IS STAGGERING. Yes the stories are long but the quality of them and the writing is worth your time.

Ahem...with that out of the way: W...o...w...That was professional grade writing. Of course you have the parts that make this work a fit for this forum but in the end that was a professional grade story right there. Amazingly done. Amazingly written. The thing that so elevates your work here above anything I've seen in this particular 'fetish' genre and which is better then most professional authors I read is your characters. It amazes me that you took the time and thought of the back stories for even some of your really peripheral characters. The time you spent doing that has to have been staggering. I think all of us on this forum and wherever else you share this with really need to thank you for obviously dedicating so much time to this story. AMAZING really can't get over the amount of character development and the amount of work and time that was invested.

In regards to the transformations itself exquisite work and you fit them in really well. It's just that after I convert them to one of my e-readers and they suddenly pop up I'm like, 'Strange to see this in the middle of this no...oh wait yeah this isn't a professional novel I downloaded this off the process forums whoops'. So I don't think they were really 'necessary' to this story and some of them slowed the story down a little in places when I was really salivating to get back to the meat of the story so I glossed over some of them (though I will read them later in far more detail my Kindle's got 'em all bookmarked). The quality of the process scenes though blows away anything I've ever read in any story. The thought put into them really shines through it's amazing.

Back to the characters a second from where this started and how they evolved out from here and in the little universe you've created is quite impressive. Everyone has changed, everyone has come out developed. I can't really get over that in my mind. I don't usually see that in novels anymore as most of the ones I read are series and they usually go back to the status-quo with maybe one or two characters evolved. Not you. No, you have your characters each undergo challenges which they succeed or fail at thus resulting in their character development. Amazed me at pretty much everyone had one of those moments and you fit them together into the narrative with such ease and without it bogging down the story at all. Don't quite know how you manage that. Also not quite sure how you make all your characters quite likable. There was no annoying little character that I grimaced when they made an appearance. Instead every single one of them fit in wonderfully and I found something to like about everybody even the evil mind=fucked folks.

Anyway going to start going into some mild criticisms now and this will contain SPOILERS SO STOP READING IF YOU DON'T WANNA SEE THEM people who haven't read this yet. The first thing that sticks out in my head is why didn't Scott change from the onrushing female succubi changey energy. I know the explanation for it previously was that it was his energy re-processed but that wasn't the case there so I'm not quite clear on why he didn't temporarily go succubus thrall could've been neat to see his female form for a second or two heh. Second mildish plot point I had a bit of an issue with is that the succubi seemed to be incredibly short-sighted there. I mean if they change everyone on Earth what exactly will they be eating? Not the best plan in the world heh. Still Mahelet didn't seem one to think things out too carefully so I can let that pass.

The first bit of the story was a tad difficult to read. The delayed time perspective could have been a tad clearer. It cleared up about 15 or so pages in but those first 15 confused me a little. Needed a bit more anchoring with maybe some flashbacks to make it fit better and a better transition when going back in time. After that was done though this problem really cleared up and the perspective changes were fantastic and flowed wonderfully.

You had some mild spelling and grammar issues but really I think on that front you were on the level with some quickly produced novels I've read recently. I just have a good eye for spotting certain word choices and my grammar isn't that good to begin with so I'm not a great judge of problems there. Most of the spelling issues were in regards to when you should have used the contraction 'they're' rather then there or their but that was the only repeated error I saw so you may want to watch out for that in your future writing endeavors.

Wow, you created a LOT of new witches/warlocks there. This gives you a really endless parade of characters to follow and things to do with them. It felt a little tagged on though but considering how long it took you to write this and how vivid it all was I will let it pass as this not being a professionally produced story. However, since I really think your end goal should be getting published sometime ending your book with that many hanging threads and quickly whipped together plot point was a bit awkward. I was wondering how it was going to be handled they could've used a bit of an epilogue to clear them up.

Now, under somethings I would've done differently or changed a bit...I would've had the Devil been around tempting her at the end before the halo jump there. Maybe God as another test has him involved. The Devil promising if she becomes a full succubus in his service that he'll give him all the power he needs to defeat Mahelet as he really doesn't like the idea of an angel around (which she doesn't know yet) and also he doesn't like Mahelet's methods of winning the 'game' as it were preferring humans to screw themselves over more then this unwilling unresistable taint. He'd also promise him that Scott would be with her for eternity. Zach would see through that scheme but it'd be interesting to see it offered. I would give him some comments about it not having enough 'style' or some such. Maybe parallels to the whole Tree of Knowledge biblical references with him wanting humans to choose his side not being forced. Alternatively humorously I could have him say this takeover would result in WAYYY too much paperwork for him and he wants it to fail, but still end up with a really strong agent for him in the future. Of course what you wrote works and works well but I thought the Devil appearing in a bit more of a solid fashion then the dark shadow (well I assume that was the Devil it could've just been God's dark aspect which is I guess the same sort of thing in your context).

I liked your look at God by the way was fun. The only thing I would've changed was Zachary simply saying, "Hi God." when he first saw him since it was pretty damn obvious who he was right off and it would have quite a bit of the snarkiness that a RPG player would have in that situation I thought. Then God being taken aback at being discovered that easily for a second or two would've added a bit more personality there. In reference to god was slightly surprised Gabriel, Michael, Uriel, or Raphael didn't make an appearance even briefly. Bit of arch-angel seemed appropriate. Can see why you didn't do it though. On a mildly related note was a very nice job on the angels with what little we saw. The only other interpretation of them that I've seen recently that I liked as much as this one was Haunted and Angelic by Kelley Armstrong.

One more thing in your epic end fight at the end you had all these anime otaku's but no Samus Aran? Come on cosplayer being a succubus through the armor...Aww. Also a bit of mild joking criticism follows. An angel? :-(. No Zoe as a proper succubus even temporarily? I wanted to see that would've been great! Oh well it didn't fit into how you framed the succubus though I can see that as once a mortal fell into being a complete demon there wasn't really redemption possible. Still would've been interested in seeing that oh well. The gaining the halo bit was very nicely written but I'd be lying if I didn't want to see a more 'evil' succubus on succubus fight for a bit there.

Thanks very much for that cameo thing you did based on what you asked for me to provide for you. That kind of made me blush a bit and gave me a bit of a weird feeling reading it but it was very fun to sort of see my 'fantasy' there. The succubus you conjured from that was some very very nice imagery which will be with me a long time. There really isn't enough red-headed women of Irish descent in these stories and its such a fabulous image to see someone going to I'm surprised it's so rare. You did a beautiful job with it.

I really can't think of anything much more to say. I might post here a few more times as some more random thoughts come to me. I'm going to send you a PM with a couple specific question things and a more specific thanks. Let me close off by saying again WOW this was utterly fantastic work. You keep setting a higher bar and surpassing it over and over. You have a ton of talent. Please write up a manuscript without the peculiarities this forum uses and submit it to publishing houses. You have the talent you really could and should make a living doing this. You obviously enjoy doing it as you've done it for free here and I really think your imagination could spin something nice. There's a ton of urban fantasy about which is close to the kind of material you've already generated and your vision could be pretty unique in that field you should give it a go. Really go for it. Thanks again for the belated umm...Fourth of July gift? Cue the succubus army firing fireworks wearing Red, White and Blue! Yay! I really appreciate it for one and I'm sure others feel the same. Thanks for your time and obviously massive amount of work. This was great.

[Apsm]

5 hours of reading was WORTH IT! You know how to write a story, and I thank you for the ride I was taken.

WARNING, SPOILERS! (Don't read this if you haven't read the story)

Though did I sense a little cameo from the transformed woman from 'Formula No.9' story (The figurine Zach was observing in purgatory)?

[Reif]

First off, thank you for the kind reception, its very good to see that people are enjoying my work especially given the size of the story I put out. My goal this whole time has always been to create something truly memorable in the space. Nothing would thrill me more than in five years to see someone new to the genre ask about the best TG stories out and have someone recommend my work. If that happens once then I know that my efforts were well spent.

!!!SPOILERS BELOW!!!

@ Frice2000

1) The reason that Scott and Zoe weren't affected by the ritual is simply location. There's a sentence at the start of the next chapter after Brian's TF that indicates that they were only inside the building for about 30-60 seconds after Mahelet started the ritual they were outside by 5:06 pm. The idea was that Mahelet was using the building in the exact same manner that she used Zoe's cage earlier. By Scott and Zoe climbing onto the roof they were effectively outside the ritual zone. The immediate flow of succubus essence wasn't instantly effective. It was like putting a bunch of lobsters into a pot and turning on the heat, it took a few minutes before the ritual space reached "cooking temperature." If Brianna had made it to an exit in the 2-3 minutes it took before things got bad she might still be Brian today...but as I mentioned in the story all those characters had no basis for understanding the danger.

2) Yes I realized that having TWO jumps in time and perspective could make things difficult if a reader didn't pickup on them. You probably noticed that I was time-stamping each chapter and major section to keep the chronological relationship clearer. I may still need to go back and work on the handoff between sections.

3) Yes having Mahelet Scourge the world in an apocalyptic tide of nubile succubi would have caused some rather interesting side effects had it come to pass. My thoughts on this were that Mahelet doesn't really give a damn about the long term consequences. She's a bored succubus who's been handed a chance to usurp hell. She's going to take it and worry about what she might eat as an afterthought.

4) Yes I was already starting to cringe everytime I saw a typo. The latter third of the story suffered as it only got one proofreading pass after I finished writing it over the 4th of July weekend. Unfortunately I was getting mentally tired and I can see I missed a fair number of things. I'll let it sit for a week and then probably go back and give it another solid proofreading and then repost the story.

5) The creation of all those new Witches and the resultant scene at the end of the story was intended to serve two purposes...one I wanted a capoff scene for Brianna, and two I wanted to show that there were real long-term consequences for the world in the story. IMO having a struggle only for everything to be neatly resolved at the end cheapens the efforts of the characters. I've always disliked creators who did this especially television writers. Star Trek is an excellent exampe..."Oh the titanic struggle to save the galaxy is successful...we shall mourn Ensign Redshirt and his noble sacrifice...now let us never speak of this again." In my story those new Witches were the "casualties" of the fight...their lives are going to be very different now, they struggled to the utmost in a valiant cause, but got succubufied one to many times. Now...they're going to have to learn how to live a life in panties as a result...poor fellows.

Still I think you are right..that section could use some polish work. I'll consider it a to do for TSV vers 1.1.

6) Your idea concerning interaction with the Devil also has merit, but I really think that the key has to be Mahelet...that is Zachary's/Zoe's nemesis. Also I was trying to very sensitive about painting Zachary/Zoe with the "Christ" brush. Having been driven to a nearly mouth foaming fit of rage after the travesty that the Wachowski brothers committed on screen with the character of "Neo" at the end of the Matrix Revolutions I am somewhat sensitive to painting any character with messiah like features. It could work though, especially with Zachary's character, the temptation towards an easier path after all the hell he's taken could be intriguing. I'll think about whether I want to add that in.

7) To snark or not to snark. That could work but my own personal take would be that anyone confronted with a seeming purgatory that didn't match any expectations AND who wasn't armed with a reader's omniscence AND who was struggling to not have their little minds blown by touching the total amount of knowledge available in the world would probably not be in the mood to snark. Also out snarking the Aspect of God should be impossible. If the font of all knowledge wanted to it could probably make your head explode with the snarkiest snark ever snarked.

8) I did kind of fall down on the job there describing the thrall succubi and associated costumes...I think for TSV 1.1 I may have to pit James against a cat-girl succubus (maybe a Felicia costume) his take on why a woman would dress up that way might be fun. I could probably pretty easily add in a Samus Aran. After all the reason Zoe looks the way she does is because Scott fell in love with girls like Samus as a boy. A brief duel between Scott and one of Zoe's thematic mother's could be in order. Consider it noted for TSV 1.1

9) In an early thought I was going to have Zoe fight Mahelet as a succubus but that was shelved very early in the process...if I didn't make it abundantly clear in the story I am very much in the "Vampires don't sparkle" camp. Taking an entity and stripping it of all its danger and meaning so that people can have a mysterious "dark" template to play with is tragic. Part of the whole reason I put Zoe through such hell at Mahelet's hands was part of this. Those sections were brutal for me to write, its not easy putting a favorite character through the wringer but it was necessary. Mahelet is not misunderstood. A succubus is not a simple nyphomanic woman. These are murderous beings that have no concept of mercy, love, or kindness. That's how they derive their power. There was no way thematically for Zoe to out-succubus a succubus without becoming a monster herself.

As an aside I have always wondered about the declarations that some people openly make. VERY FEW people ever seem to think about what by definition must also exist in their philosophies if they allow for the existence of angelic beings. Not trying to get off topic but something to consider.

10) I'm glad you liked Brian/Brianna....for the rest of you...next time I throw a contest that's what you could potentially win.

@ APSM

1) Yes, I did do a cross story cameo...note that the figure in Zachary's hands has a very high model number relative to her age and the text "recently updated and reissued..."

[Reif]

@danio

I've done PDF formats for all three stories separately so far...were you asking for a combined PDF file of all three stories together?

[frice2000]

2. I think the hand off would've worked fine if you made the first time change a tad more explicit. The rest fall in line then. I understood what you were doing and it was a great hook but it needed a little more for the initial change is all. Your later perspective change to Zoe went fine.

3. That works. Sex demons who rely on illusion and are massively immortal and get next to no variety in life would likely not be the greatest tactical thinkers ever. Leads me to wonder what a great tactical mind turned into a succubus would be though. I mean Zoe was quite intelligent and quick witted but a even more intelligent tactical mind in that position could be neat.

4. Like I said your typos for the most part were on the level of a lot of quickly produced books i see from professional book companies for the most part so i wouldn't sweat it too badly. For that many passes you did phenomenally.

5. Oh i think that many 'deaths' and not having them resolved was great. I'm just thinking that might not fly for some in the professional world which i think should be your goal and as such was just mentioning it. People lie sappy in the fantasyish genre you are good at writing in.

6. I really thought some input or temptation from the devil works there. Don't have to go about deifying her but some option to chose the 'quick and easy path' after so much difficulties would make her even more deserving of the mantle you bestow her later. I could see the Devil approaching Zachary first and telling him he died a succubus and is thus his for eternity before God jumped in. Still think he needed to be a bit more of a player there then a shadow. Maybe if you didn't want the whole manipulation and temptation thing a line when Zoe is on her way back to Earth rather then just irritation would make the whole thing more interesting. Maybe even the Devil playing a lawful good PC with God playing a neutral or something in passing would be intriguing too. Can see why you went the way you did and it works but I'd think the Devil too would be quite interested in a soul that he too has an obvious in with considering the amount of times Zach/Zoe was almost corrupted recently...and tempted.

9. I'm not a fan of Twilight either but that doesn't mean you can't take monsters and make them protagonists for good. That's not the route you wanted to travel and I respect that. I can see why and you wrote a great narrative. I enjoy stories where the monsters are monsters and do evil things but can still be related to. That as a literary technique goes back to Paradise Lost if not further. You had a very nice dark heroine who became light and that works. I just hope if there's another story with Zoe that the light doesn't remove all of her flaws. Reading about a completely perfect or evil being just isn't that entertaining. The story of a succubus contending with her evil nature but still being good was great...But after everything she went through I can see why the reward was given. Question though you seem to insinuate that angel Zoe can have kids now? Heh...and man that offspring will be quite powerful won't they?

Oh and miscellaneous question did you get my email?

[Reif]

@ Frice

Oh I certainly agree, in many cases I actually prefer scenarios where the label "hero" and "villain" can get very confused. Monolithic, pervasive evil that exists for no apparent reason is often the hallmark of poorly thought out conceit. Most interesting stories recognize atleast to some degree that good and bad are often dependent on perspective and viewpoint. My Witch, Hunter universe is and was intended to fall into that camp. The question of whether the Witches or Hunters are evil is mutable...the simplest answer is they both are. I think you'll like the results once I start pushing that arc forward again.

But for Zoe's world and for other select ones the answer in my opinion is clear. Beings that are assumed to be intrinsically evil need to be intrinsically evil. That is more or less the heart of my complaint where certain authors or creators take a conceptual framework and strip out the core concepts and conceits effectively sanitizing the framework. An immense amount of meaning, purpose, and reflection on greater ideas is lost in the difference between Bram Stoker's vampires and Stephanie Meyer's vampires...just as an example.

....

You...<pencil snaps> what am I going to have to do so you won't figure out where I'm going with things. I swear I'm going to have to start sending you versions of my work with all foreshadowing redacted out of the story. Sigh...

Oh and yes...check your e-mail.

[Mitchell]

What do you think about Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

[Esquire]

Spoilers
I like it. I'm not much into standard TG, and I skipped over most of the sex scenes-which I tend to do when I read anything-and your writing style is a bit...oblique, but the character development is sound and the plotting is tight. And the entire premise sounds like something I would write; "You get to be a succubus! Have fun with having every man on the planet objectify you and not take you seriously because you have big tits! Not to mention the demon responsible for your change planning to use you as a pawn in some scheme! Oh, and you may be involuntarily changing those around you. Just a little."

One question; Zoe's change into an angel seems, at first glance, like a Deus Ex Machina. Then I remember that said phrase translates to "god in the machine". Then I lol'd.

[Reif]

@ Esquire

I fully admit and acknowledge that I have a writing style that tends to favor longer, complex sentences. If something really doesn't make sense let me know and I'll look at whether I need to rewrite. I still need to complete my final editing and rewrite pass on about the last third. The changes are minor, mostly me cleaning up a few typos and other mistakes I missed earlier, along with some clarifications. That may help.

I'm glad that you liked my portrayl of Zoe as a succubus. I think the cliche of TG women becoming absolutely insatiable lust goddesses is overused and poor characterization most of the time. In this I was really trying to give Zoe a "normal" woman's mindset where she appreciates being pretty and special...up to a point where attention of that kind becomes unwelcome and frustrating. I also wanted to show that Zoe at the beginning doesn't know how to be a woman, she has the body but not the knowledge. Just as she has the form of a succubus but not the knowledge or desire to be one.

As for the ending...I don't really consider the end to be a deus ex machina device. The classic deus ex machina resolves everything neatly and cleanly in and of itself and usually comes without much warning...If you pay attention I was hinting that Zoe's was being watched and nudged by the divine side as far back as TSWN (how do you think she had her vision for the solution?). The involvement and Zoe's eventual conversion was building in the story and exists as a natural evolution of the conflict between Zoe and her nemesis. The result atleast in my intent is less deus ex machina and more the natural "levelling of the field" that the sides needed for the end fight to be evenly matched.

[Reif]

Bumping to annouce completion of version 1.1 and new anthology PDF.

Thanks