Formula Number 9 (Complete)

Reif · 11-08-2009

Okay, I know its been awhile but heres a little something that I cooked up.
This started out as a little something to do while I worked on plot points for volume 2 of the Hunter universe and it grew into a piece rivaling The Succubus Wedding Night for length and complexity.

For clarity, non-English flavor text is always followed by the translation in [brackets]
Sounds are denoted in (Parentheses)
In this story italizcized text is used to denote a secondary personality speaking through a primary character.

I'll add in a text version after I edit it up. (Sleepy now).

Also, the full version should be up on tf-media.net soon.

If you like this but haven't read my other three pieces they are available on this forum or again at tf-media.net.

As always comments are appreciated.

frice2000 · 11-09-2009

Wow...Another fantastic story from you. This one didn't have the plot and character development of your last work and as such wasn't exactly on its level...But wow did you ever write a unbelievably compelling transformation scene and story.

I can see that you were concerned about your issues with internal dialogue in your Christmas Cake story and this was sort of your way of attempting to work through some of those problems. Let me assure you, you definitely succeeded. The internal dialogue between the male protagonist and the emerging female persona was done brilliantly. Word choice, emotion, memories all done extremely well. This is the best example I've ever seen of this technique used within a TG/TF story and I've read quite a few that have attempted it.

Next the transformation itself. Damn fascinating and erotic to behold. The skin changing colors from 'mocha to milk' as you put it was a personal highlight for me. The other changes were superb as well. The transformations mental changes are always a favorite for me and while your story wasn't long in terms of time dealt with the changes still felt slow and wonderful. I would have personally preferred to not see his old male personality totally subsumed or have had an impact on his new female persona, however you did write that extremely well too.

In regards to the transformation scene it felt like you really had two stories. One of Jonathan picking out Michelle's new form through clothing selection and the like and the main one of Michelle transforming. It would have been nice to see more of Jonathan's choices to transform Manuel and intersperse them with the main transformation possibly, although you used similar techniques in other stories so I can understand why you were reluctant here.

In regards to the non-transformational elements this is where you REALLY shine. Instead of having hollow two dimensional characters you actually inject personality and history which links so nicely with the transformational aspects happening to the character. Michelle's love of donuts was a very cute little plot point that most other authors would have left out that adds a great deal to your story. Other little touches similar to that is what really elevates your stories from the other stories on this site and other websites. I love the backgrounds you carved out for them.

All in all another fantastic story from you. That there are no other replies to this thread after 12 hours is criminal. This is one of the best TG stories I've read as are all your others. I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Thanks very much for sharing your very vivid and well written stories.

Oh and as a note...If you post a story in a Word Document you release meta-data that includes what is likely your real name and other such information. You may want to remove that by right clicking on the .Doc file and editing its properties if you want to go under a pseudonym. It might also behoove you to post the stuff as a PDF so that no one can complain about formats and the story will display exactly as you want it. There are many PDF creators out there that act sort of like a printer and you might want to try that for releases.

Kerberos · 11-09-2009

Mmmm, just read through this over the last half hour. Reif, every story you release just makes waiting for the next one harder to bear. Each one is truly excellent and this is no exception.

I agree with Frice in that expounding on Jonathan's part in the transformation would have been a way to heighten the feel of the story, I also agree that (in light of Succubus' Wedding Night) avoiding it allowed you to find other ways to work the story. So weighing the choices I'm happy you chose that path too.

I patiently (HAH what lies...<_< >_>) await Hunter 2.

Reif · 11-09-2009

Ah Frice, Kerberos, you have no idea how much I wanted to explore the whole aspect of Jonathan choosing Michelle's clothes, but unfortunately the story was 90% written by the time I hit on the idea and I couldn't justify the time it would have taken to do a major rewrite, or tack on another major section. Zoe, Robin and Marion are getting impatient...AND...my copy of Dragon Age has been sitting unopened for a week now, and that was a torture not unlike what our dear friend Manuel experienced.

As to the characterization, I definitely could feel the weakness in a few areas but on the other hand I wasn't going to let this grow into a 70 page monster like "Of the Hunters and Hunted". Still I think I did a pretty good job...a sharp reader might even see where I was starting to explore the foundations of our hapless Casanova's personality.

I am going to have to get better at story planning, a critical author will probably see the places in the story where extra material was allowed for but never written. I am also going to have to learn how to write something that will clock in at under 20,000 words.

Also yes, this WILL probably be my last story published in Word, I started trying to get it into PDF format and had some technical issues so I just let it fly anyway.

Apsm · 11-09-2009

Firstly, I ENVY YOUR WRITING! Compared to yours, My work looks like it was done by an elementary/primary school student.

Secondly, brilliant process. Particularly liked the idea of Michelle/Manuel boobs growing, which coincided with Michelles memories of her 'blossoming'.

I would've liked to see some more description on the facial changes, but if it's to avoid repeating yourself, then I understand.

Quote:

Manuel's hands trembled with his fear, then his hands shook, then his hands changed..

Just like to point out you didn't need to mention 'hands' so many times in a sentence, or repeat the statement that his hands were trembling.

For example, it could be written as "Manuels hands trembled in fear as they started to change..."

frice2000 · 11-09-2009

I was thinking perhaps a way to get more comments on your stories on this forum would be to post them as you get chapters done...It seems to work well with some of the longer running art threads. I think a lot of people are a little intimated to read some of your works due to length (which is stupid in my opinion but lots of people are into insta-gratification in this world), I know if I didn't have an Ebook reader I wouldn't enjoy your stories as much as I have. Oh well just an idea.

Reif · 11-09-2009

To Apsm: The structure of that particular sentence was intentional with the repeating noun and esclatating verb usage intended to convey a sequence of building events. The grammatical structure of your version flows better, but in this case I was trying to work in some subtle thematic flavoring. Theres a few places I went with that approach through the story, and probably a unintended ones as well. My writing style tends to focus on long, complex sentence structures which means that If my splicing is off, especially where I've been editing, I can wind up with some pretty strange results. Thanks for checking though, the constant problem with editing your own work is that you know what a phrase or sentence is supposed to mean which is problematic if a phrase would be unclear to someone else.

To Frice: I've considered that, BUT the problem is that my writing methodology tends to revolve around a few key concepts or set pieces and then I work to string them together. The result is I often come up with new ideas or ways to refine a connection within the story as I'm writing it. Most of my stories get reedited several times before I publish them. Unfortunately breaking a larger story up into smaller pieces means that once those earlier chapters are published my options to edit them decrease. For example the donut bit you like so much evolved in a rather late editing pass. After deciding I liked that idea alot I wrote references into earlier chapters of the story to support it.

To Apsm #2(from comments on TF-Media):

The inconsistency on the color change was actually a casualty of me changing my plan in mid stride. Originally I was going to have the Michelle persona take over long enough to wonder why she was covered in brown and then take a shower. The color would have come off then. That's also when I was planning to do a more through facial change. Unfortunately the story was pushing past the 20 page mark at that point and my "short" exercise was becoming anything but. That's also when I started sinking my teeth into the coffee metaphor, the end result was the inconsistency. IF theres enough demand I may rewrite that section in the future to accomodate the original plan.

Leonides · 11-10-2009

Truly excellent work. Thanks so much for posting. You have a real gift for the transformation description.

Jecilyn · 11-10-2009

I haven't read it yet, but I have downloaded it for reading later tonight. I've been impressed with your previous works (especially the succubus wedding night) and I am look forward to reading this one.

I will edit and update this comment once I've done so.

Kerberos · 11-10-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apsm

Just like to point out you didn't need to mention 'hands' so many times in a sentence, or repeat the statement that his hands were trembling.

For example, it could be written as "Manuels hands trembled in fear as they started to change..."

I have to disagree. I happen to think that Reif's use of anaphora in "hands, hands, hands" worked rather well with that sentence. In that moment the focus was removed from what manuel was feeling to focus on the hands. I don't know about others but that was more powerful than just "Manuel's hands trembled in fear as they started to change...". Your version, while nice in flow, skips past the imagery straight to the next part. Reif's version, whether intentional or not, made me imagine his hands trembling (Maybe with nervous hand motions aka wringing his hands), to actually shaking, and THEN beginning to change. I liked that better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reif

The inconsistency on the color change was actually a casualty of me changing my plan in mid stride. Originally I was going to have the Michelle persona take over long enough to wonder why she was covered in brown and then take a shower. The color would have come off then. That's also when I was planning to do a more through facial change. Unfortunately the story was pushing past the 20 page mark at that point and my "short" exercise was becoming anything but. That's also when I started sinking my teeth into the coffee metaphor, the end result was the inconsistency. IF theres enough demand I may rewrite that section in the future to accomodate the original plan.

Heh, I do that too in my writing. Get into a groove and the sentences are flying and you're thinking so fast that a sentence changes in your head halfway through. Then you wind up with part A not fitting with part B and looking it at it later you have to stop and wonder wth you were thinking. So, I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's a nice effect, and often a good part of a story but personally I say keep working on future projects.

Ryu Hayabusa · 11-10-2009

Excellent story! The only thing I can add is that, while reading the transformation, I actually accidentally predicted the boobs/memories idea, making it feel extremely natural to read that part (and pleasantly surprising). (By the way, I was just playing Dragon Age earlier, and it is fantastic. And also what spurred me to comment, between both coincidences.)

11-09-2009	#3
Kerberos Process Fan Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 56	Re: New Fiction From REIF: Formula Number 9 Mmmm, just read through this over the last half hour. Reif, every story you release just makes waiting for the next one harder to bear. Each one is truly excellent and this is no exception. I agree with Frice in that expounding on Jonathan's part in the transformation would have been a way to heighten the feel of the story, I also agree that (in light of Succubus' Wedding Night) avoiding it allowed you to find other ways to work the story. So weighing the choices I'm happy you chose that path too. I patiently (HAH what lies...<_< >_>) await Hunter 2. __________________ Metropolis - St. James Infirmary http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvAdq...feature=relmfu

11-09-2009	#4
Reif Frequent Poster Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 223	Re: New Fiction From REIF: Formula Number 9 Ah Frice, Kerberos, you have no idea how much I wanted to explore the whole aspect of Jonathan choosing Michelle's clothes, but unfortunately the story was 90% written by the time I hit on the idea and I couldn't justify the time it would have taken to do a major rewrite, or tack on another major section. Zoe, Robin and Marion are getting impatient...AND...my copy of Dragon Age has been sitting unopened for a week now, and that was a torture not unlike what our dear friend Manuel experienced. As to the characterization, I definitely could feel the weakness in a few areas but on the other hand I wasn't going to let this grow into a 70 page monster like "Of the Hunters and Hunted". Still I think I did a pretty good job...a sharp reader might even see where I was starting to explore the foundations of our hapless Casanova's personality. I am going to have to get better at story planning, a critical author will probably see the places in the story where extra material was allowed for but never written. I am also going to have to learn how to write something that will clock in at under 20,000 words. Also yes, this WILL probably be my last story published in Word, I started trying to get it into PDF format and had some technical issues so I just let it fly anyway.

11-09-2009	#6
frice2000 "My way of thanking you" Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 401	Re: New Fiction From REIF: Formula Number 9 I was thinking perhaps a way to get more comments on your stories on this forum would be to post them as you get chapters done...It seems to work well with some of the longer running art threads. I think a lot of people are a little intimated to read some of your works due to length (which is stupid in my opinion but lots of people are into insta-gratification in this world), I know if I didn't have an Ebook reader I wouldn't enjoy your stories as much as I have. Oh well just an idea.

11-09-2009	#7
Reif Frequent Poster Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 223	Re: New Fiction From REIF: Formula Number 9 To Apsm: The structure of that particular sentence was intentional with the repeating noun and esclatating verb usage intended to convey a sequence of building events. The grammatical structure of your version flows better, but in this case I was trying to work in some subtle thematic flavoring. Theres a few places I went with that approach through the story, and probably a unintended ones as well. My writing style tends to focus on long, complex sentence structures which means that If my splicing is off, especially where I've been editing, I can wind up with some pretty strange results. Thanks for checking though, the constant problem with editing your own work is that you know what a phrase or sentence is supposed to mean which is problematic if a phrase would be unclear to someone else. To Frice: I've considered that, BUT the problem is that my writing methodology tends to revolve around a few key concepts or set pieces and then I work to string them together. The result is I often come up with new ideas or ways to refine a connection within the story as I'm writing it. Most of my stories get reedited several times before I publish them. Unfortunately breaking a larger story up into smaller pieces means that once those earlier chapters are published my options to edit them decrease. For example the donut bit you like so much evolved in a rather late editing pass. After deciding I liked that idea alot I wrote references into earlier chapters of the story to support it. To Apsm #2(from comments on TF-Media): The inconsistency on the color change was actually a casualty of me changing my plan in mid stride. Originally I was going to have the Michelle persona take over long enough to wonder why she was covered in brown and then take a shower. The color would have come off then. That's also when I was planning to do a more through facial change. Unfortunately the story was pushing past the 20 page mark at that point and my "short" exercise was becoming anything but. That's also when I started sinking my teeth into the coffee metaphor, the end result was the inconsistency. IF theres enough demand I may rewrite that section in the future to accomodate the original plan. Last edited by Reif; 11-10-2009 at 03:04 PM.

11-10-2009	#8
Leonides Process Fan Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 82	Re: New Fiction From REIF: Formula Number 9 Truly excellent work. Thanks so much for posting. You have a real gift for the transformation description.

11-10-2009	#9
Jecilyn Atomic batteries to power Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: New Zealand Posts: 4,648	Re: New Fiction From REIF: Formula Number 9 I haven't read it yet, but I have downloaded it for reading later tonight. I've been impressed with your previous works (especially the succubus wedding night) and I am look forward to reading this one. I will edit and update this comment once I've done so. __________________ - These Eight words the Rede fulfill: "An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"

11-10-2009	#11
Ryu Hayabusa Process Fan Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 48	Re: New Fiction From REIF: Formula Number 9 Excellent story! The only thing I can add is that, while reading the transformation, I actually accidentally predicted the boobs/memories idea, making it feel extremely natural to read that part (and pleasantly surprising). (By the way, I was just playing Dragon Age earlier, and it is fantastic. And also what spurred me to comment, between both coincidences.)