Lord Hort (Incomplete)

[Grayfield]

Hey everyone. Been here a little while now, lurking in the shadows. I figured that I would try to find the time to actually start posting by putting some of my own work out here and either returning to the shadows should I be met with silence or hatred :P

Anyway, I have here for your perusal my first piece of TG fiction submitted to the web. It is, heh, dripping with adult content so don't read if you're embarrassed about that kinda stuff (also: if that is true, why are you here at all? HmmM? You all know what I mean...).*ahem*. Anyway, I'm attaching (hopefully) it to this thread as a .txt file, and will also provide the link to Fictionmania, where I originally posted it along with part 2 of the same story.

http://www.fictionmania.com/searchdi...ordisplay.html

...Although it would appear that you will have to navigate the site to get to my work. I'm listed under the author section as 'Grayfield' there too. If you are interested, just go to the 'Author quick list' link near the top of the page and then click 'G' and find my name on the list there. *sigh* Why is the internet never easy?

Anyway, I would really appreciate feedback on my writing, and will be happy to answer questions/issues raised about my story. Part 3 is under development (I'm writing it right now in fact. Well, aside from the time out I'm taking to post this.) but it is unlikely I'll post it to Fictionmania due to a rather... lacklustre set of comments. Which is a shame, since some people did give decent feedback. I dunno. Maybe I'm just being too picky.

Regardless, Please post comments/criticisms/feedback. I'll stop by every now and then to see whether my efforts have borne fruit or all been in vain.

Douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu.
*bows*

The reason you have a paragraph going through the change is to paint a picture of it for the reader, so watch what you discuss. Stay away from "inner" anatomical changes, as the reader can't visualize them.

From a story point of view, the whole will-bending thing needs to be approached differently. If Hort completely reforms their souls, then there is no conflict, and therefore no reason to keep reading. A better idea would be for Hort to have to conciously control them, forcing every action as the heroines try to fight it.

You paint good sex scenes, no two ways about that. Good job on this one.

[AnimusVE]

This story is one of my favorites. I am eagerly awaiting part 3.

[jiryha]

I love it, honestly, if it wasn't for the heavy sex aspect of it i can seriously see this as a real fantasy novel. As far as the erotica goes it's very well done.