My first story - Red Diamond

[effjoo]

Long time transformation fan. Read far too many stories and decided to try my hand at writing one. I'm a big fan of stories where a woman is able to control her transformation and sex as a means to draw energy from others. This is the first part of a story, but I've roughed out the overall arc I want it to take. Not sure how long it'll go, but I have always been long winded in my writing. Please please provide feedback, positive or negative (assuming it's constructive).

There's a little bit of TG theme in this story, it's mild in the first part, but there will be more in time.

[Mrblond]

A good start, I couldn't find fault with it to offer critique so I hope you'll post more when you're ready.

Thanks!

[martixy]

It's an intriguing story for a first try.
I however can leverage some criticism.
Namely, the pacing seems off in quite a bit of places. And it seems a bit too verbose(so many "she"s).
Don't get me wrong, I am a big fan of a world-building, but you seem to veer of on unnecessary tangents from time to time. For example - the church bit - it would have been enough to establish an interest in architecture with a paragraph at most. We certainly didn't need her entire life story right then and there.
There are typos and wrong words, but those are technicalities(I'm guessing english is not your primary language).

But do keep trying because that's the key to improving.

[effjoo]

Originally Posted by martixy

It's an intriguing story for a first try.
I however can leverage some criticism.
Namely, the pacing seems off in quite a bit of places. And it seems a bit too verbose(so many "she"s).
Don't get me wrong, I am a big fan of a world-building, but you seem to veer of on unnecessary tangents from time to time. For example - the church bit - it would have been enough to establish an interest in architecture with a paragraph at most. We certainly didn't need her entire life story right then and there.
There are typos and wrong words, but those are technicalities(I'm guessing english is not your primary language).

But do keep trying because that's the key to improving.

Sadly, English is my first language, but this it my first attempt at writing anything fiction. Most of my writing is technical in nature, so verbosity is kind of a requisite.

I also wrote this in a hurry. I'm actually rewriting this first chapter and the second, and hope to post them soon. I should also try to find an editor.