Trial 63 (Complete)

Iceman-1990 · 07-19-2010

Hey there, I suppose I'm the new guy. I thought I'd make my first post on here include a story, just to show what I'm about. I've got my own gallery at DeviantArt, but I'd like more people to see what I write. Hopefully this is good enough to post, and don't be afraid to tell me if it's good or bad. Constructive criticism is appreciated.

Ichigo3924 · 07-19-2010

Well it was well written, and a good read, the thing I didn't like though was no description of the feelings of the change, espicially with the boobs, there was like no utterance of breasts, boobs, or tits at all in the story, but that was it, you have my criticism and that's what you wanted right? To basically improve your writing style by viewing critiques, so with that my duty is done, also again a good read, but you won't have to worry to much about competition on the forum, not many writers, you should see the "Succubuss vows" I think thats the best story I've found on this forum.

Iceman-1990 · 07-19-2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ichigo3924

Well it was well written, and a good read, the thing I didn't like though was no description of the feelings of the change, espicially with the boobs, there was like no utterance of breasts, boobs, or tits at all in the story, but that was it, you have my criticism and that's what you wanted right? To basically improve your writing style by viewing critiques, so with that my duty is done, also again a good read, but you won't have to worry to much about competition on the forum, not many writers, you should see the "Succubuss vows" I think thats the best story I've found on this forum.

That is a good point, thanks for pointing that out. I know I need to work on detailing the changes, so I'm glad you told me what I need to work on.

And I'll check out that story you mentioned.

Ichigo3924 · 07-19-2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iceman-1990

That is a good point, thanks for pointing that out. I know I need to work on detailing the changes, so I'm glad you told me what I need to work on.

And I'll check out that story you mentioned.

Here's a link to it, hope you enjoy, P.S. it's reeeeeaaaaaaallllllyyyyy long!

http://www.process-productions.com/f...ad.php?t=24330

frice2000 · 07-19-2010

You've got a few spelling and grammar errors throughout nothing atrocious but they were noticeable. Read through your stories aloud a time or two before publishing. It'll help you catch most of the errors by forcing you to slow down while doing the editing. Also only posting the story as a DOC slightly limits your audience. Save it as at least a RTF, TXT, or PDF. These two programs can help with that: http://sourceforge.net/projects/pdfcreator/ http://calibre-ebook.com/

That bit out of the way the story was interesting if a bit generic. A bit more on the Doctor's motivations or a bit more on the main character before the transformation would have made us connect in some fashion with either character and made for a much stronger story. As I've read this it's good for pure fetish value but if you want to go beyond that need to work on your characters a bit more. Next, halfway through your transformation you got a little lazy and obviously were pushing to finish faster. If you had kept up with a detailed scientific narrative of each change with the mental reactions of the main character this is a much stronger and more detailed and interesting story. To me it feels like you did this in about a sitting and while it's quite good for that it would've been better if you had spent a bit longer on it.

With all those critisicsms out of the way you've got potential and I'd like to see what you come up with next. I really think the thing you should focus on for your next work is your characters. It doesn't need to be long but give us bits on their lives and their relationships to make us feel for them either liking or detesting them. That always makes for a better story. I'm interested to see what you come up with next.

07-19-2010	#2
Ichigo3924 The TG COLLECTOR!! Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 128	Re: Trial 63 Well it was well written, and a good read, the thing I didn't like though was no description of the feelings of the change, espicially with the boobs, there was like no utterance of breasts, boobs, or tits at all in the story, but that was it, you have my criticism and that's what you wanted right? To basically improve your writing style by viewing critiques, so with that my duty is done, also again a good read, but you won't have to worry to much about competition on the forum, not many writers, you should see the "Succubuss vows" I think thats the best story I've found on this forum. __________________ You're Church. The leader, The Boss, The Ass hole. You have quite a mouth on you and hate everyone on your team...those fucktards. Do you always have to be in charge? I mean come on, you're not always right! Oops...sorry, that was pretty mean..I forgot how much that might come to a shock to you. But at least you usually have good plans. Try being a little nicer to people though. (Full Name: Private Leonard (L.L.) Church.) (Armor Color: Cobalt.)

07-19-2010	#5
frice2000 "My way of thanking you" Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 401	Re: Trial 63 You've got a few spelling and grammar errors throughout nothing atrocious but they were noticeable. Read through your stories aloud a time or two before publishing. It'll help you catch most of the errors by forcing you to slow down while doing the editing. Also only posting the story as a DOC slightly limits your audience. Save it as at least a RTF, TXT, or PDF. These two programs can help with that: http://sourceforge.net/projects/pdfcreator/ http://calibre-ebook.com/ That bit out of the way the story was interesting if a bit generic. A bit more on the Doctor's motivations or a bit more on the main character before the transformation would have made us connect in some fashion with either character and made for a much stronger story. As I've read this it's good for pure fetish value but if you want to go beyond that need to work on your characters a bit more. Next, halfway through your transformation you got a little lazy and obviously were pushing to finish faster. If you had kept up with a detailed scientific narrative of each change with the mental reactions of the main character this is a much stronger and more detailed and interesting story. To me it feels like you did this in about a sitting and while it's quite good for that it would've been better if you had spent a bit longer on it. With all those critisicsms out of the way you've got potential and I'd like to see what you come up with next. I really think the thing you should focus on for your next work is your characters. It doesn't need to be long but give us bits on their lives and their relationships to make us feel for them either liking or detesting them. That always makes for a better story. I'm interested to see what you come up with next.