More general 'increased beauty'

[Reactant]

Originally Posted by Ser-Goblin

Reactant, that's a great story, I hope it will continue!

Is this your first work?

My first one in a very long time. First time sharing on here. Glad you are enjoying it.

Originally Posted by BillPratt

Good piece of work, Reactant.

No magic bullet on the paragraph spacing. You have to put them in yourself or write a program to do it for you.

Good flow. Light on the passives, but still too many. Do a search through the story for "was" and look at places where you can kill the "was" and put the action back in as the verb. You almost always can.

The set-up is a little weak. You can speed that up quite a bit.


This line:
Then Wendy surprised herself: “I didn’t say I didn’t believe you.”

misses. It's wordy, commits weakly, and doesn't need a colon.

Then Wendy surprised herself and said, “I believe you.”

It's not wishy-washy. It's a commitment that should cement things with Carol, and legitimately surprise Wendy, because she's pretty wishy-washy at this point.

Totally right, passive voice is always a struggle for me.

Thanks for the feedback. When you say the set-up is weak, could you expand a little?

Also, I made that intentionally wishy-washy. At this point in the story, a half-committed engagement like the one you have (rightly) criticized is a big deal for Wendy. "I believe you" would be too strong, because she still is deeply lacking in confidence. Hope that makes sense.