New Story "Take It All In" by Clovis

[clovis]

Going forward I'd like to establish that this story is not really free.

I am enjoying writing this, but I also want to use this as an opportunity improve my skills. To do so I need constructive criticism.

The "fee" for this story will be at least one helpful bit of feedback per chapter. I don't think this is asking too much and certainly a few of you have already done so. This last chapter has had nearly four thousand views and not one comment (close to nine thousand counting the other site I post this on which has been just as silent.) I'm not looking for praise, just something I can use to get a sense of what works and what can be improved.