My first try at a story: Internet Shopping - Part 1

[Shenaynay222]

Hey people Just wrote the first part/chapter/whatever you want to call it on writing.com, and I thought i'd share it here to see what you think.

http://www.writing.com/main/view_ite...hopping-Part-1

The story is about Evan, a boy who after trying to buy a magic transformation for his girlfriend, realizes that he was not allowed to pick a target for the spell other than himself.

The first part sees that Evan's first order is inflicted upon himself, and then he tries to hide it. He doesn't become a full out girl in this chapter, but he does make it part of the way(His breasts grow). For the most part, it's a slow change, happening over a number of days.

Anyways, I'd love your feedback! Thanks!

[Aahz]

I enjoyed it. I think my only comments would be it seemed a bit rushed and I wish it was a bit longer.

[frice2000]

Each new line from someone should begin a new paragraph. And the woman wishes her breasts were bigger when they're a D cup already?

[Aahz]

I used to have a friend who was a D cup and planned on getting implants someday. Her reasoning was that most of her size was nearer her rib cage or under her arms and what she wanted was more of it out front. I was always confused by her desire but it was her perception of herself she wanted to change, not mine. It might be odd for BE or TG fiction but not so much in the real world.

[Shenaynay222]

Thank you all for your responses

Originally Posted by Aahz

I enjoyed it. I think my only comments would be it seemed a bit rushed and I wish it was a bit longer.

I'll admit, it was a bit rushed, I wrote it in the space of a few hours, and wanted to see what people thought of it so far, so that's why it's kind of short, I do plan on continuing the story though if you're looking for more

Originally Posted by frice2000

Each new line from someone should begin a new paragraph. And the woman wishes her breasts were bigger when they're a D cup already?

I wasn't aware of that writing convention, but thanks for making me aware of it!

I kind of based on the idea of her wanting bigger breasts on my own experiences with my girlfriend, she is a D-cup, and while she might complain about how nothing fits her boobs because they're too big, she does have the problem with them being spread too far apart, resulting an an awkward space between her boobs. I didn't mind it, but I felt like it was something I could work into the story.