Tess's Potions

Doll-Elf · 03-13-2015

Hi Processians, I am Doll-Elf, a new up and coming writer. I have done RP for many years on several games, one being World of Warcraft and after some time a friend suggested I make stories and see how other may like them. This is my attempt at such a feat. While normally I am more used to Roleplay format where I am in charge of my own character and a small number of others with a group I found writing alone to be a small challenge. Bear with me as I stumble around, learning what works and what doesn't.

Prof_Sai · 03-13-2015

Hi Doll Elf! Welcome to the process!

qzar9999 · 03-13-2015

Salutations, lass, and welcome to our fair gathering place. It's always nice to see someone new getting started writing; after all, from humble beginnings do masterpieces spring.

I'm an old hand at writing size fiction, especially shrinking. Regarding your current piece, I'll provide feedback, as you requested.

The good:
It's obvious you have a sense of humor. Always a positive.
Though the piece was short, I got a pretty decent sense that Tess is a lively character with potential.
Hard to be sure from such a short work, but you seem to have a decent eye for detail.
It's interesting enough that I'd check out the next part.

The bad:
You could probably use some proofreading. I've seen worse...far worse *shudder*...but you do have some errors, chief among them a tendency to use a comma and lowercase letter when you should use a period and start a new sentence.

If you keep at it, and mind your grammar, you've got potential.

Doll-Elf · 03-13-2015

Thank you very much for the help in looking into it. I do have a bad habit of using the comma way to much. I just never know when I should use a period or continue. -shrug-. I should look up something on that matter.

whyamihere · 03-13-2015

Looks like your lucky LK didn't get his hands on ya.
Or maybe my story just sucked really bad. Anyway, keep up the good work!

kestrelcoatl · 03-14-2015

Try starting a new paragraph when different characters speak as opposed to mashing them all together into one giant paragraph. That creates a visual prompt for "<X> finished speaking and now <Y> is responding." It'll definitely help your readers distinguish between characters--and is very helpful when there are 3 or more characters speaking or doing things in the same scene.

I'm not a big fan of breaking the fourth wall (unless it's done well and integrates with the story), so I would put warnings/disclaimers/requests for feedback outside of the actual story, but... To each their own.

Still? Not a bad first outing, and I'm curious as to what happens in part 2!

Doll-Elf · 03-16-2015

Here is part two. I took in your advice and tried to make it look cleaner. There will be more parts, but I took this time to add another character tot he mix and explain the situation. Part three will probably be the part everyone wants to see, but to make a good story I (like others) like a bit of foreplay. -wink-

03-13-2015	#2
Prof_Sai Instigator Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Earth, mostly Posts: 5,874	Re: Tess's Potions Hi Doll Elf! Welcome to the process!

03-13-2015	#3
qzar9999 Purveyor of Porn Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Gallifrey Posts: 7,071	Re: Tess's Potions Salutations, lass, and welcome to our fair gathering place. It's always nice to see someone new getting started writing; after all, from humble beginnings do masterpieces spring. I'm an old hand at writing size fiction, especially shrinking. Regarding your current piece, I'll provide feedback, as you requested. The good: It's obvious you have a sense of humor. Always a positive. Though the piece was short, I got a pretty decent sense that Tess is a lively character with potential. Hard to be sure from such a short work, but you seem to have a decent eye for detail. It's interesting enough that I'd check out the next part. The bad: You could probably use some proofreading. I've seen worse...far worse shudder...but you do have some errors, chief among them a tendency to use a comma and lowercase letter when you should use a period and start a new sentence. If you keep at it, and mind your grammar, you've got potential. __________________ Tace atque abi. Plenus stercoris est. Editor/Writer, Shrink Fan and Transform Fan Check out Interweb Comics on Twitter or Instagram for all kinds of fun, sexy stuff covering multiple fetishes! Cezar's Comix - New 11/15! http://www.e-junkie.com/cezarscomix My eBooks at amzn.to/1CDS22w or bit.ly/1BZqaCp Quidquid Latine dictum altum videtur. My DeviantArt. Full list of my stories here. How I feel when certain users post anything.

03-13-2015	#4
Doll-Elf Writer of the Fetishes Join Date: Mar 2015 Location: Kira's Magical Confectionary Cafe Posts: 192	Re: Tess's Potions Thank you very much for the help in looking into it. I do have a bad habit of using the comma way to much. I just never know when I should use a period or continue. -shrug-. I should look up something on that matter.

03-13-2015	#5
whyamihere Banned Join Date: Feb 2015 Posts: 322	Re: Tess's Potions Looks like your lucky LK didn't get his hands on ya. Or maybe my story just sucked really bad. Anyway, keep up the good work!

03-14-2015	#6
kestrelcoatl Lurker Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 10	Re: Tess's Potions Try starting a new paragraph when different characters speak as opposed to mashing them all together into one giant paragraph. That creates a visual prompt for "<X> finished speaking and now <Y> is responding." It'll definitely help your readers distinguish between characters--and is very helpful when there are 3 or more characters speaking or doing things in the same scene. I'm not a big fan of breaking the fourth wall (unless it's done well and integrates with the story), so I would put warnings/disclaimers/requests for feedback outside of the actual story, but... To each their own. Still? Not a bad first outing, and I'm curious as to what happens in part 2!