mind control, bimbo transformation

[inui]

Just some "kisekae artist" from DeviantART:
http://tf-artist.deviantart.com/gallery/
http://rossi0711.deviantart.com/gallery/
http://megatronus123.deviantart.com/gallery/

[rosssi]

Well, my favorite of the three art wise is Tf artist, and as he accepts scripts/ideas for stories he has varied writing. That being said, I think my writing is pretty good. But I would love feedback on my writing and stories (there are a few on Tf artists site that were written by me.)

[Vengeance1701]

And all of you should really find somebody who speaks English well to do some editing for you guys. My enjoyment would double without the poor grammar.

[rosssi]

I didn't think my grammar was too bad, can you give me some examples?

I'm Always happy to improve my writing, keep in mind I am Australian so we might have a few slight differences in common grammatical practices.

Would it help if I altered the style from script like to prose?

Eg.
(picture of Valiant, similar to end of chapter 1, slightly less curvy, wearing purple heart earrings, looking a bit dazed, next to her (quite close) is Tiffi, looking just like she did at the end of chapter 1)

Script style

Tiffi: oh, Vallie, I've missed you sooo much.
Valentina: Tiffany? What are you doing here? Hey, what are you (clip) Ooooh.
Tiffi: Shhh Vallie,I escaped from Mistress Stripswell and came to bring you back your earrings.
Valentina: no...gotta...take them...off.
Tiffi: No Vallie, you love your earrings.
Vallie: Love...them
Tiffi: And you can always trust your best friend Tiffi.
Vallie: 'giggle' Like, of course I can trust you Tiffi, you're totally my Bimbo Bestie!

Or Story style

Valentina heard the office door creak open, she looked up to see a familiar face smiling at her.
"Hi Vallie, I've missed you sooo much."
Valentina stood stunned for a moment as Tiffi, her bimbofied assistant rushed across the office and hugged her.
"Tiffany? What are you doing here? No!"
Valentina protested and struggled to free herself from the blonde's embrace as she felt the heart shaped earrings click into place .
"Shhh Vallie, I escaped from Mistress Stripswell and came here to give you your earrings." Tiffi chirped.
"My earrings?" Vallie paused as she tried to focus through the pink fog that was enveloping her mind. It should have been a simple task to remove the earrings, but the harder she tried, the thicker the fog became and the heavier her arms felt.
She finally managed to grab hold of the offending articles when she heard a breathy voice in her ear.
"You love your pretty earrings Vallie."
The heaviness left vallies arms, she knew she could take off the pretty earrings at any time,there was no hurry. She began to fondle them, a vacant grin spreading across her face as a warm tingly sensation spread across her body. Tiffi was right, she did love her earrings. She felt Tiffi press against her once more, her massive mammaries squishing against her back, Tiffi's skillful tounge darting into her ear.
"You can trust me Vallie, I'm your best friend."
Vallie's head lolled forward, her brain giving out after a pleasure overload. She looked up, her eyes glazed pink and giggled happily.
"Of course I trust you Tiffi. You're totally my bimbo Bestie."
Vallie began to fantasize about the wonderfully sexy times they would have now that Tiffi was back, until she was interrupted by a knock at the door.


Better? Worse? I don't want to write stuff if you're not going to enjoy it, so let me know what you think.

[catfish27]

I definitely like the prose better than the "script" style. Your grammar in that prose excerpt seems fine to me -- there are just a few punctuation issues. For example, here's where I'd add/change punctuation in the first three lines:

Valentina heard the office door creak open. She looked up to see a familiar face smiling at her.
"Hi, Vallie, I've missed you sooo much."
Valentina stood stunned for a moment as Tiffi, her bimbofied assistant, rushed across the office and hugged her.

That said -- have you thought about using comic-book-style dialogue balloons rather than writing the text in the captions?

[rosssi]

Thanks Catfish, I agree that does look better.

I'll try some dialogue balloons and see how they go.

[bimbostoryclub]

Have you checked BimboStoryClub.com?

[olddude12]

We have, and we're awaiting new content.

[PoisonElf]

"Highest quality comics and illustrated story for Mind Control fans"...

Doubt it!

[Vengeance1701]

Uh-oh, sounds a bit frosty.

[Marmalade-Beat]

When one of the best comics has bimbo as a last minute thing and was already on the other site, I'm totally good until at least a year.

[Vengeance1701]

My biggest complaint is that by partnering with Giantess Club, their service went from pretty good to utter shit. I used to be able to download immediately after ordering. YET AGAIN (fool me twice now...I'm the idiot) I can't download what I paid for without having to harass their customer service department.